Welcome to a trip into my psyche *ominous music plays*… But, seriously… welcome. I am new to blogging and putting my thoughts and emotions into a raw unfiltered state onto a platter for you to consume. Selfishly, I am hoping this helps me to connect dots throughout my past, tap into my own records, make peace with a roller coaster of a life, and if possible, make you feel better about your own life; or maybe even be a resonance of your own experience.
As a general overview about what it is that makes me, me: In the broadest sense , I am a female, a mother, a sister, and a daughter. I am of Native Mexican, French, and Native American descents. I grew up with two very loud themes; one being an Evangelical purity obsessed cult (for lack of a better term for organized religion), and the other being street life, while simultaneously being pulled in both directions. I grew up in survival mode with a narcissistic sociopath as the main influential guide in my environment. As a young adult, my reckless thrill-seeking gave me the opportunity to cross paths with a plethora of personalities.
Now, I am choosing to break the cycle, as well as my silence. I live by a moral code of authenticity. According to my cards, I am a healer, a shaman, a medicine woman, if you will – which is the only possible answer to the repeated question “why?” thrown into the void. I am hard to break, give me all of the trauma and I am going to feel it to my core and continue to fight. I will integrate the experience and find a way to dust myself off, because that is the only possible option.
There will always be something special about the creature that is Snake. They get a REALLY bad rep in the bible (a joke for those that have been within the church), and maybe my fascination the animal was pivotal in the deconstruction of the belief system that they attempted to shove down my throat. In native culture, the snake is a symbol of transmutation, a snake sheds the skin of it’s experiences over, and over, in a state of continual growth. As stated on the Snake medicine card:
“The transmutation of the life-death-rebirth cycle is exemplified by the shedding of Snake’s skin. It is the energy of wholeness, cosmic consciousness, and the ability to experience anything willingly without resistance. It is the knowledge that all things are equal in creation, and that those things which might be experienced as poison can be eaten ingested, integrated, and transmuted if one has the proper state of mind.”
Photo: age approximately 17-18
I think of myself similarly, a person who has experienced multiple snake bites in the form of betrayal and trauma. I have come out the other side of every experience, but the ones that have left mental illness in it’s wake, cut to the core of my existence. I live with anxiety, PTSD, and disassociation, and lie every time the “have you ever been depressed?” box comes across when filling out forms. Not because I am ashamed, but because I am a firm believer that for my own healing, it must come from within. For a very long time, I had no interest in speaking about my experiences. Mostly because every time I started to talk about them, I watched peoples’ expressions go wide in horror and retract with the automatic, involuntary response identical with touching something too hot. Every once in a while, I will throw someone a piece of relevant trauma, if I think it might help them through their own. I am a devout believer in that there is beauty in death and destruction, because it leaves room for the potential of what could be. My desire is to continue to grow from the experiences that have shaped me into who I am, and who I will become.