I am at a point where I am ready to embrace new beginnings, new growth, and accepting the love I deserve from those that have earned the right to have a place within my circle. I spent the last year observing who truly deserves to take up space in my life. It has been difficult to draw a hard-line in the sand and separate people and places that once held a large space in my experience and journey. I love myself so much that I value my mental health and the well-being of my family and those in my circle. Those that get to have a place in my life, need to be equally invested in working on themselves and maintaining an aura of authenticity.
I don’t know about you, but it seems we get to a place where we feel as though we have made so much progress, only to realize that personal growth is a lot like chutes and ladders. You can roll the dice to find that your sense of self, trust in people, and more can slide down the board. Or like sitting at the Madhatter’s table, “Clean cup, move down. Who’s got the time?” I’ve been thinking heavily on the events that brought me to this point and thoroughly digesting the experiences. Now, I am at a point where I have to let it all go. The medicine card, the wolf, states, “The gift of wisdom comes to you when you have walked enough pathways and found enough dead ends to truly know the forest. In the discovery and rediscovery of every inch of ground comes the knowledge that nothing ever remains the same.”
My train of thought has been focused on shadow work. Ohhh the shadow, the place that exists that nobody ever wants to acknowledge or REALLY deal with. It’s so much easier to shove it under the proverbial rug, isn’t it? I’m not so convinced anymore. Like the Jaguar, “darkness is the place for seeking and finding answers, for accepting healings, and for accessing the hidden light of truth.” People shy away from the dark, afraid to jump into their grief and sorrow. Shadow work is not a light and fluffy, good-vibes experience. It’s closer to some sort of torturous medieval device that forces you to face and pluck out the core of your pain so you can continue on without the weight of anger, grief, denial, and sadness. Shadow work is so vital to growth – whether you have faced trauma or not. I am pretty sure everyone has some situation or experience that causes thoughts or feelings that get pushed away because it’s easier to use avoidance mechanisms or numb the pain. I’m tired of numbing. I’m tired of repressed feelings resurfacing in weird ways. I am tired of feeling weighed down by the experiences that have shaped me, which is why it’s time to let go. Everything that you shove under the rug, has to come to light at some point. It has to be dealt with. I have survived everything up to this point, but the environment that I have worked to create, will not serve me in survival mode. I was built for more than that. This life fed me pain, trauma, and grief so that I can be a bridge to people who are struggling. To help others with their shadow work. To heal the generational trauma I have inherited and to stop the cycle for future generations.
Part of how I intend to help heal myself is by fully embracing vulnerability, even if I have to drag myself to it kicking and screaming. Having difficult conversations about my thoughts, opinions, and experiences and holding those in my life to a higher standard that does not leave me feeling empty, depleted, used, or mistreated. I will speak my truth, stand my ground, and work towards strengthening the relationships with those in my circle. I will help others work to heal themselves by helping guide them through shadow work, if that is something they desire. We all deserve healing, and as intimidating as this path seems, I am ready to face it head on.